| lost my will for.. much of anything really (just a random note, do not take offense) |
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| 02:40pm 14/11/2009 |
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mood:  empty music: dashboard confessional, tbs, thursday, ani difranco.. whatevers on this mix
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it just hit me today, suddenly.. I physically felt it..
I just don't care anymore.. nothing matters like it used to.
I go through the motions and make the smiles.. and I keep thinking someday this will all turn around and I'll be happy for real.
It's not going to happen. This is like a long drawn out movie with no ending worth talking about..
lately.. I've been thinking about walking out early.. |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| If your waiting on a happy entry, sorry to dissapoint... |
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| 06:45pm 11/11/2009 |
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mood:  depressed music: Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
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" The wind is ruthless
The trees shake angry fingers at the sky
The people hunch their shoulders
Hold their collars over their ears and run by
It's a cold rain
It's a hard rain
Like the kind that you find in songs
I guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
Here to sing you about how I've been done wrong
And I am sitting, watching
Out the window of the coffee shop
And I am waiting, waiting
Waiting for it to let up
I am rocking like a cradle
Warming my hands with the cup in between
I am leaning over the table
Holding my face over the steam
And before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There's just a couple things
I'd like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I'm doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed
It just all slips
Away so slowly
You don't even notice till you've lost a lot
I've been like one of those zombies in Vegas
Pouring quarters into a slot
And now I'm tired
And I am broke
And I feel stupid and I feel used
And I'm at the end of my little rope
And I am swinging back and forth about you
Before it gets so cold
That the rain turns to snow
There's just a couple things
I'd like to know
Like how could you do nothing
And say, I'm doing my best
How could you take almost everything
And then come back for the rest
How could you beg me to stay,
Reach out your hands and plead
And then pack up your eyes and run away
As soon as I agreed"
It's probably trivial.. but I feel like the little things are whats killing me lately..
Every time I think, this will be the time. this is the time thats different... yea.. its not. I'm going to just accept it and stop setting myself up for the fall.
its almost christmas.. I hate christmas.
I'm fucked either way.
time to hang out with my buddy JD.
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| Awake again.. |
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| 12:25am 05/11/2009 |
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mood: depressed music: Taking Back Sunday - Theres no I in team, Dashboard Confessional, Brand new, etc
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another night I can't sleep without forcing it.. and even then it takes forever.
my heart.. my chest.. aches.. and I don't even know why anymore. I'm at a point where I have nothing to blame it on.. and yet its still there.
I keep thinking this will end one morning when I wake up, that it just won't happen anymore. Sometimes it does go away, sometimes even for a month or two.. its there but its not so bad.. but then I end up back at this point.
No fingers to point anywhere anymore.. this is just me I guess.. I suppose I will have to just accept that and hope the pain doesn't last too long.
fake the smiles, say the words.. everyone thinks your fine.. some know better.. but don't know what to say.. and I don't blame them.
I don't know what to say either. |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| doesn't matter |
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| 08:08pm 30/10/2009 |
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mood:  blah music: Brand New - Daisy
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I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a river that is all dried up
I'm an ocean nothing floats on
I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in
I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot
I'm a moon that never shows it's face
I'm a mouth that doesn't smile
I'm a word that no one ever wants to say...
[Child Speaking]
I don't wanna be,
He wasn't finding anybody when he was on the shelf
I saw him in my dream
I'm a mountain that has been moved
I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run
I'm a preacher with no pulpit
Spewing a sermon that goes on and on...
Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It'd be all right, it's all right, it'd be easier that way |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| disgusted. (more of my bullshit but if I don't get it out its gonna eat at me.) |
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| 10:31am 29/10/2009 |
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mood:  Disgusted music: The Best Deceptions - Dashboard Confessional
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you fucking whore.
I can't believe I even contemplated missing you. do they even close? I doubt it.. seriously.
"Your heart is charcoal.
Smoking black.
Why don't you just tie the mattress to your back?!"
perfectly describes you, and not just now, the entire time...
I'm so tired of this place, and lately its been worse and worse, its starting to be as bad as it used to be.. I haven't had these thoughts since..
anyways fuck you. fuck all of you people who backstabbed and used me, fuck you whores. stop laying down everytime a fucking loser tosses you a line. if you have to ask if this is about you I can assure you its probably not. the people who its for, aren't going to be looking at my livejournal anytime soon.
so I guess this is for me.
i'm sickened by all of you, but especially you.
peace the fuck out piece of shit state. |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| recycling some lyrics I posted forever ago.. such a great song.. such a sad truth.. |
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| 12:53pm 27/10/2009 |
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mood: depressed music: Johnette Napolitano - Suicide note, and usual work mix
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Every night
You wrote another line
With a blood, broken, bottle
And every day
You wish it away
Why don't you pull the pin
On that grenade
You coddle
I wanted to believe
Bodies swinging from trees
Struggling to stand
With your head in your hands
A stoic last stand
Of a dying man
I wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
And I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
That I did not understand
Every night
The questions poured out
Of your wounded eyes
Damn dark things
Every day
You used to pray
Listen to the black raven sing
You wanted to believe
As you were falling to your knees
Struggling to stand
With your life in your hand
The sad last stand
Of a broken man
I wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
And I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
That I did not understand
I wanted to believe
As I watch your world
Crumble in your hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
And I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That I did not understand
That I did not understand
And the questions pour out
And the questions pour out
I did not understand
I did not understand
I did not understand
I did not understand
The sound of you falling
I did not understand
As the trembling heart of a man
Did not understand
The sound of a trembling heart |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| Are you kidding me? (just a rant, not written for anyone and i'd like it to be ignored) |
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| 07:17pm 21/10/2009 |
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mood: pissed off music: a fan
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Where do I begin on the long laundry list o' shit that you do that isn't right.. since you've decided to point out when I'm broke and even go as far as to say I didn't give you money I KNOW I gave you.
Privacy.. where the fuck is it? there isn't any here I'll tell you that much. This is not the fucking brady bunch, and it will never be. give it up. I pay rent monthly to rent a space and have privacy.. when I start getting that it will be worth the money I spend on it. As of right now, I get basically none.
Lets see.. well I guess I'll be disorganized as it doesn't really matter and address the situation you decided to bitch at me about now. I had a short month, due to moving.. which isn't something I wanted to do, and is most definitely NOT something I was told about before moving into the old place. So this move was forced upon me. Anyways I paid you as much as I had and you said that was fine don't worry about it. now other than that month.. which we established.. I paid you. I most definitely remember because you bitched at me about not having any money to install a shower I didn't ask you to install and that you needed my rent money towards it. So I paid you, two hundred dollars even. I can even go to my bank and print out the withdrawal of the EVEN $200 I took out that night if you need it. Now your saying I've paid you nothing for this month, but I GAVE YOU HALF THE RENT MONEY FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MONTH! It's not even the end of the month yet and you want the other half, fine, if you want it all at once.. say so, and Ill just save up a lump sum and give you the fucking thing on the same day each month. But don't leave me accusational notes saying I haven't given you any money like i'm some kind of asshole because thats bullshit. The amount of money I'm spending and not getting any privacy isn't worth it as it is. But on top of that you want to start accusing me of shit too?! FUCK THAT. If this shit keeps up much more I'm going to have to find another place to stay for the next couple of months until I leave this shit hole state. I'm not even joking. I'd rather sleep on a couch.
If I can keep things smoothed out for a couple months I will but honestly I don't have any patience left. I have so much shit going on that its really the least of my worries whether or not you installed a shower and redid your roof. Those were things you wanted, not me. in short.. excuse the swears as I am angry, but don't ignore what i've said as its all true.. I pay well over what I should, for far less than I deserve.. and that won't last much longer.. one way or another. I've lived in my own places more than once, and been on more than one ACTUAL lease.. I know how the real world works and its more fair than this.. so thats just sad.
its 60 degrees out today. turn down your heat. I need a fan and an open window just to not be cooked to death.
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(2 joined the fall| Fall into the dark) |
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| Cold and irritated |
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| 06:04pm 15/10/2009 |
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mood: cold music: silence, for the moment.. music will come later
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I'm cold, and tired of work today... come on 10:00...
I don't want to deal with any more ignorant obnoxious people who have nothing better to do than yell and scream at me because they don't get instant satisfaction.
The fast food industry has ruined it for the rest of the world.. congratulations.
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| What..the..fuck. |
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| 06:06pm 10/10/2009 |
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mood: pissed off music: Team Sleep - Blvd Nights
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Are you kidding me? If i had an issue with something or thought something wasn't going the way it should, and it REALLY bothered me... I would do something about it myself.
Your confronted about something you said, about something YOU initiated.. and what do you do? You realize your drowning and you start reaching for other people to pull down with you. You don't stick up for or stand by what you said... you don't change your mind and apologize for it.. no you decide the best course of action is to start letting the bus tires hit others.
Well fuck THAT.
83 Days and counting until I'm done with the bullshit up here... I wish it were sooner. I'm a big boy.. I can handle my own problems, if and when they occur. But I have no problem so I don't see why the need was felt the need to tear me down with you. When someone confronts YOU about something YOU said.. you don't start throwing other people into the mix to try to save yourself. You man up, apologize if you feel you should, or stick to your guns if thats how you feel.. but don't pull a 5 year old's move and say "so-and-so was doing it too! why aren't they in trouble?" ESPECIALLY when it's not accurate.
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| My head is killing me... |
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| 02:59pm 09/10/2009 |
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mood: restless music: Massive Attack, Tricky, Morcheeba, etc.
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It's been awhile and I've decided to start posting in here again so here goes..
Not much to say at the moment.. I'm tired.. getting sick again, so that sucks. I'll be needing meds again as my depression and anxiety won't let me be.. and my old doctor is a bitch and won't give them to me so I'll have to find another.
I finally paid off my car and they mailed the title to the wrong address... good work assholes. But whatever, it won't matter soon because i'll be selling it, and leaving this place, and all the memories and problems I see when I look around it behind me.
I'll be moving to Florida on Jan 2nd... and my family and close friends are the only ones I expect to see again, which is just fine with me.
things worked out and quitting the new band will be easier than expected, and everyone is understanding.
it's time for a new chapter.. I'll post again later but thats all she wrote for now... |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| Here it comes again (a random note, to myself mostly) |
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| 09:44pm 07/10/2009 |
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mood: cold music: Brand New
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The chill... somehow I think this will be the longest winter yet. Weather wise, and in my head.. its ALWAYS been the worst time of year but..
I've been doing too much thinking lately, more than I normally allow myself to. It's not good.
Hopefully a combination of getting back on meds and moving will help.. or I dont know what to do.
Trying to take the small things as nothing.. leave them as they come along.. but some of them cut deeper than people realize. maybe i'm just too sensative.. or maybe they aren't sensative enough.
here goes nothing.. hopefully it doesn't get much worse.
the past is killing me, I need the future.
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| what have I done? |
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| 07:46am 29/07/2009 |
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I thought I had loved before, years ago.. but no.. no the one FUCKING time I realize I'm in love its too late. Its not even with my girlfriend.. well it was.. but I didn't realize what I had then.
I had a dream last night about her... Its bringing me to tears just thinking about it. She had come back looking for me, she wanted to talk.. it was winter.. she loves winter. There was hope, and thats what kills me.. in the dream there was hope. There is no hope in reality.
She had wanted to talk, I could feel.. in my heart that she wanted to work things out.. start over. She won't even talk to me in real life... wouldn't even give me her new cell phone number. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I let her slip through my hands like grains of sand, hell you'd think I just dropped the sand to the ground.
The pain didn't leave, and I'm a fool for thinking it did.. over her? Yea.. right. Now I have to break another heart because I can't get over the last one I broke.. I don't deserve her. I now know what EVERY fucking sad country song has ever been saying.. I don't even know what else to write.
How I could have let her go is beyond me, I'm a royal screw up.. and this is beyond repair. I could message one of her sisters.. her brother maybe.. but she has probably moved on. It hurts so damn bad to think of someone else holding her like I should be. I said things to her I didn't mean, made her smile.. made her cry.. now the ones I wish I did mean are the ones I mean today.. and its too fucking late.
If I die still missing her, I hope I die in my sleep with her in my dreams..
I don't even know why I'm writing this.. I never use this thing anymore and probably no one will read this.. my friends aren't here.. and I can't call my dad.. as much as I want to because he'd understand.. but I can't let the only contact i've made to him in months be to call him up crying.. oh god. |
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(2 joined the fall| Fall into the dark) |
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| I'm gonna do something I should have done years ago |
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| 11:39am 23/04/2009 |
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mood:  determined music: Yellowcard
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I am going to go shopping, buy unflavored oatmeal, some oranges, salad ingredients, some veggies and lean meat.. depending on how much I make this week and how much I can spend.
I am going to wipe out and redo my mp3 player and charge it constantly and start HIIT.
these things will happen, whether I want them to or not... so its a good thing i do!
thanks chica, you gave me the tools and now I'm gonna use them. |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| What the hell is my problem? |
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| 07:33pm 12/04/2009 |
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mood: crushed
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I have had to stop myself three times today from messaging her.. I know we didn't work out, I know that hasn't changed.. and neither have we... and its been 4 months since we broke up.. who knows she may even be completely over me by now and moved on to someone else.
But part of me keeps eating away, as happy as I should be right now with everything that i've accomplished since it happened.. I can't just forget and move on...
I get in fights with myself over if I should try to contact her or not constantly, when in the back of my mind I know if I do nothing good will come of it.. but part of me feels like I should try.. and give every last ounce I can to trying, as this might have been my only chance at being happy with someone and I fucked it up hardcore.
Fuck life, its wicked hard.. and love? well thats just a cruel joke.. like dangling something you want on the end of a stick, even if you manage to grab the item.. it will jump off and run away on you after you've enjoyed it for awhile.
everything that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again. |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| New start |
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| 12:45pm 07/04/2009 |
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mood: determined music: Fight the day (my band)
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Alright... time for a new start... gonna focus on the band and working out.. two main goals outside of work.. friends and family.
the rest is trivial.
Lets do this shit. |
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(1 joined the fall| Fall into the dark) |
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| Wooooooeee!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 10:34am 16/01/2006 |
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mood:  excited music: Into|Apathy
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Alright rockstar fans, the bands got a myspace now, and our demo songs up, so check em out and comment!
www.myspace.com/intoapathy39 |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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| If there was ever a day when I wished I wouldnt wake up at all |
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| 08:56am 24/12/2005 |
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mood: dying inside music: Sia - "breathe me"
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I think that day is today.
So im depressed, all the fucking time, everyday. She thinks its all due to her because of what I told her but, thats not it. It's just that reading about how happy they are and how well they're doing just makes it that much worse. So im a jealous person, so Im an asshole, I need to do what I can to not want to do something stupid to myself.
Yea i'm still rather bitter, and I dont know why... but I am and theres really nothing I can do about that. And Yea it hurts, yea it was supposed to be me... but thats not the only reason i've felt like shit lately. My family is tearing itself apart on a daily basis here... thats why I'm never home. I go to work and theres no one to talk to, no one there gives a shit about me. Friends do what they can but can't always be around, every second... the depression isn't solely based on her so taking her off my friends list isnt going to make it go away... but i thought it might help...
Winter is killing me so far this year... starting from the inside. If you hate me for taking you off my friends list so I can't read posts on how great life is without me... then i'm sorry. People think i'm blowing things out of proportion or making them up when i say i've been worse than ever before lately... but they aren't around when the worst thoughts come.
This band is holding me to together right now, the last fucking thread holding me together.
"Be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me,
I am small, and needy,
warm me up, and breathe me..." |
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( Fall into the dark) |
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fadingwill's journal